Last weekend, i was slowly, slowly sinking into a pit of overwhelm, discouragement and melancholy. this piece is so important to me. i want and need to create it. And there is no doubt that i will, in a symbolically timely fashion. But i've been spending week after week trying to attack many aspects of this work simultaneously: writing grants, shopping for nails, gathering wood, a few calls here for documentarians, a few letters there for benefactors, a few hours spent getting a list together of rwandan contacts, many hours designing and redesigning the wing on paper. And i was suddenly looking at April 6th (begin hammering) with great dread. Chris and I were considering using our savings to start bankrolling this project so that i can begin to actually build and hammer the wing together. That felt like a slippery slope of potential stress, debt and uncertainty, which our family does not need right now.
So, to quote my dear friend Bill--who used to say this when he saw me get overwhelmed with excitement and ideas--i said to myself, "cool your jets, cowgirl."
So, I stopped. And I breathed. And our family spent president's day weekend together, just being with friends, live music...with each other. And I breathed some more, wondering how I would face the week ahead. Two yoga classes helped.
I regularly turn to the written pages of others for support. I'm re-reading Miriam Greenspan's wisdom a lot right now. She's a psychotherapist and author from Boston (yet another example of how all great things come from Massachusetts women) who sees the beauty of negative emotions as valuable, spiritual teachers -- "if we can live mindfully of them." And last weekend, I clung to her words:
"Fear, grief and despair are uncomfortable and are seen as signs of personal failure...we call them 'negative' and think of them as 'bad'. I prefer to call these emotions 'dark', because i like the image of a rich, fertile, dark soil from which something unexpected can bloom."
And for me, clarity bloomed after a very dark weekend...with the support of in-depth discussions with friends Sarah, Laurie, Eleanor, Gina, Jill and Beth and, of course, Chris. She always goes without saying, but no, her support must be mentioned, and often.
I love the enthusiasm that these friends have. I was hit with a barrage of supportive ideas and questions on wednesday morning:
"Did you get your nails?"
"What kind of space do you need?"
"Talk to this person."
"No! Put this person's name in your cell phone. Call her! She's a Texan, too."
"Do you have a documentarian yet? You really need one."
"How much more wood do you need?"
"Is it really that hard to set up a non-profit?"
"Can you work downtown? I gotta guy who's got space downtown."
"No, she needs to be close to home."
"But if you've got 5,000 sq ft downtown and it's free....!"
"How about the grassy knoll behind your house?"
"Maybe...Hmmm."
"So, when do you need this? When do you start?"
"I can help you with that. I know a guy..."
"So, when are you going to Rwanda?"
"Did you get your tickets yet? Is your passport up to date?"
AGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH! These are all the questions that i approach alone during the few hours i can focus during the week. AND, I'm home w/the kids in the afternoon. AND, I'm in graduate school. AND, this is all too much.
I can do this the right way. Or the wrong way. I got clarity on how to make this wing the right way and not compromise my need for symbolic timing. I have to raise the money first, and then make the art. I have to go to Rwanda first, and then make the art. Many potential grant organizations want and need to know if i have an ultimate sight for this wing to rest before they will consider any funding. My friends Chris and Laurie both said this right away: "why don't you just go?" "How can you not go?" "you have to, otherwise, you're doing this thing in a vacuum." "Build that connection, that bridge, first. Then make the piece." I think that, if i can secure my location with an organization there in Rwanda, that will open up wider avenues for benefactors and funding. So, here's my new schedule of clarity...
Late Spring, Early Summer 2008 -- fund and arrange a 10-day trip to rwanda
Late Spring - Early Fall 2008 -- make the wing panels
October 2008 -- display wing (w/out nails) as the structure for
the Day of the Dead altars at Edison Elementary.
January - March 2009 -- Hammer 800,000 nails for 100 days
April - June 2009 -- Disperse nailed panels throughout LA County
for many types of groups and people to tie
red threads throughout this 15-yr mark of the
exact days when the genocide was occurring.
July 2009 -- Collect all panels, deliver them and assemble
the wing in Rwanda at the time that reflects the END
(not the beginning) of the genocide.
This way, I can give the wing it's needed "loving attention" so that it is spectacular, not just interesting. I can also not sacrifice the much needed "loving attention" that our family needs at this time. And my schooling.
So, i spend the rest of this year researching the various aspects, raising funds and constructing the part of the wing that costs little to no money. And in 2009, I make, and the community makes, the art.
whew.
